Funny quotes consolidated from twitter, facebook and friends:

I dont hate you. I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank. @EpicTweets_

Teacher: “Where’s your book?!” Student: “At home.” Teacher: “And what’s it doing there?” Student: ‘”Having more fun than me.” @EpicTweets_

The awkward moment when you realize Valentines day is fast approaching and the only one who loves you is your pet.. @EpicTweets_

Heres to all the pri school kids who will continue to accidentally write 2011 as the date on their worksheets @integratedmalay

LADIES: if he only wants you for your breasts, legs, or thighs….then send him to KFC @Mr_popular

If you don’t like me, remember that it’s mind over matter. I don’t mind and you don’t matter. @Mr_popular

The first person to ever have hiccups must have been scared shitless. @Mr_popular

In 2011, I have disturbed u, troubled u, irritated u, bugged u, today I just wanna tell u, I plan to continue it in 2012. @funnyorfact

Apple and Blackberry should team up & make a phone called The Pie. @funnyorfact

Don’t under estimate me… unless you’re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh. @funnyorfact

Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears… @funnyorfact

Google: “I have everything!” Facebook: “I know everybody!” Internet:”Without me, y’all are nothing.” Electricity: “Keep talking, b*tches.. @funnyorfact

The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love… @funnyorfact

We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like, “I’m bored, lets go brush your teeth! @EpicTweets_

Your wife wants kids?
Have her sit in the children’s play area at the mall for 5 minutes. @BestWorstAdvice

They should print books with glow-in-the-dark ink so you can read at night @EpicTweets_

Me: I shaved
Fren: Did it hurt?
Me: No I do it all the time!
Fren: Woah must b smooth!
Me: Wait! what r u referring to?
@TaufikBatisah

If I had Morgan Freeman’s voice, I’d sit in a corner and talk to myself all day.. @EpicTweets

Malay:
Antara pak imam & pak bilal, yg mana satu yg ‘paling kejam’…..?
Jawapan: Bila masuk waktu, pak bilal ‘paling ke jam’! @WeddingDJ

#2011in4words – It’s Gone, Move On. @funnyorfact

Dear YouTube; If I wanted to watch commercials I’d watch my friggin tv. Sincerely, annoyed teens waiting on the videos to load… @funnyorfact

Twitter made me love strangers I’ve never met & Facebook made me hate people I’ve known all my life. @funnyorfact

Facebook should have a limit on times you can change ur relationship status. after 3 it should default to “Unstable”… @funnyorfact

A whore is like a bowling ball; she gets picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then comes back for more. @EpicTweets_

Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery @EpicTweets_

#1 rule during arguments: if you’re losing, start correcting their grammar. @funnyorfact

During a test, people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information. @funnyorfact

Sometimes by holding on too tight, you end up losing what you were trying so hard to save. Soap is a prime example. @autocorrects

Shopping is always more fun when you’re spending someone else’s money instead of your own. @RelatableQuote

Blow kisses, not boys. @TheGirlsFact

That awkward moment when you’re talking in class, then your friend stops talking and you see that your teacher is looking at you. @QuotesForGirlz

#iLoveItWhen someones laugh is funnier than the joke. @funnyorfact

#iLoveItWhen teachers say ”you think its funny”? Obviously it is @funnyorfact

When people yawn, do deaf people think they’re screaming? @Mr_popular

Principal: “A teacher can be child like but not childish”

Boy: You are the most funniest and most beautiful girl I have ever met.
Girl: You just wanna fuck me.
Boy: Wow and smart to.
@Mr_popular

Malay Dept did well for foundation classes and they need to work on harder for the top student to score distinction eg.. “We have to maintain our bottom and enhance our top, just like women do” @Malay HOD

Mom: ‘What did you learn at school today , sweety?’ -
‘Obviously not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.’ @EpicTweets_

Dear Teachers, if I sit next to my best friend, I’ll whisper to her. If you move me away, I’ll shout to her. It’s your choice. @EpicTweets_

“A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, Because it was a weapon of math disruption.” @MaxLucado

“@Quotingswag: A Confident chick doesn’t show off her naked body.
She shows her naked face.”

Saying- “We can still be friends” after a breakup, is like saying- “Hey, the dog died but we can still keep it.” @comedyortruth

Some people are like trees, they take forever to grow up. @Ultimate_quotes

Dear frens, do take note..
Don’t go to the bathroom at 11:59 PM , 31/12/2011. You will come out the next year. xD @EpicTweets_

Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. “Look at this bitch, eating those fucking crackers like she owns the place! @Mr_popular

The best kinds of laughter : 1. Laughing so hard that your laugh becomes silent. 2. Feeling a 6 pack coming. 3. Tears coming out of ur eyes. @funnyorfact

RT @sufinator If all Malays are lazy, then all Indians are alcoholics and Chinese are gambling addicts. But you know that’s not true!

That awkward moment When all your friends have boyfriends and you’re just like..FOREVER THE THIRD WHEEL.

Dear Ken, Did you know Barbie’s knees don’t bend? Have fun with that… Sincerely, Bratz. @EpicTweets_

“@Mr_popular: Wish you can stay in bed and work? Become a prostitute”

______________

Facebook must be a female. Only a woman can ask you, “what’s on your mind?”

Don’t send a card for Valentine’s Day! Save a tree and buy a diamond!

Promises are like babies.. fun to make, HELL to deliver!

 ”SIT AND STUDY” – This stunt is performed by experts under controlled conditions. Don’t try this at home or anywhere. :p #DRT

Men are born between a woman’s legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in between them. There’s no place like home.

For men who think.. ”A women’s place is in the kitchen”, just remember: that’s where the knives are kept!

The only honest people in this world are small children and drunk people. RT @funnyhumour

What’s LOVE? In math: A problem. In history: A war. In chemistry: A reaction. In art: A heart. In me: YOU.

Only 2.5 inch is Enough to satisfy a Woman’s desire… That’s the length of a CREDIT CARD…

Guys are the best cooks. With 2 eggs, a sausage, and a bit of milk, they can keep a woman’s stomach full for 9 months.

If you believe in reincarnation, instead of “R.I.P.,” make sure your headstone written “B.R.B.” #DRT

If you talking bad behind my back, you’re in a good position to kiss my ass. #DRT

Coffee is my cup of tea. #funnyorfact

Twitter needs a “NOBODY CARES!” button. #DamnItsTrue

3 Chinese Bu,Chu & Fu went to USA.They decided to Americanize der names. Bu became Buck, . Chu became Chuck, . Fu went back to China! – wowilt

Twitter is a simple service used by smart people. Facebook is a smart service used by simple people. #DamnItsTrue

One day Facebook, Youtube, Myspace and Friendstar will com together and be called FookYouMyFriend. #funnyorfact

*The LONGEST 5 mins in the WORLD is the LAST 5 min of a LECTURE.!!! *While the SHORTEST 5 mins is the SNOOZE after the ALARM RING..!!!

New generation will learn d alphabets in dis way:- A-Apple B-Bluetooth C-Chating D-Download E-Email F-Facebook…

Best ever Quote written in cancer hospital.. ” Tobacco company always kills their best customer..!”

FunnyOrFact  Boy: Wat wud u do if I slapped u? Girl: I wud slap u back. B: Loved u? G: *blush* Love u back. B: Asked u to marry me? Girl: I’d say yes.

When we were together, You always said you’d die without me, Now that we’ve broken up. I think its time, you kept your promise! #WOWiLT

WowILIkeThis @Funnyorfact Best sentence on a girl’s T-shirt- “DID U ACTUALLY SEE HERE TO READ THIS ONLY?”

SMILE.. is the second best thing you can do with your lips..! #WOWiLT

☆YOU CALL ME A BITCH ☆A BITCH IS A DOG☆DOGS BARK☆BARK IS ON TREES☆TREES ARE NATURE☆NATURE IS BEAUTIFUL☆SO THNX 4 THE COMPLIMENT☆

If breakups never existed, the music industry would go BANKRUPT! #DamnItsTrue

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other. #DamnItsTrue

Darkskin Dating a Friends “EX” is a NO NO…..You’re just recycling leftovers that were unwanted

ULTIMATE_QUOTES How do u identify a true music lover? A man wen he hears a woman singing in D bathroom and puts his ear 2 the keyhole instead of his eye!

It’s called FLIRTING if you’re in a relationship. But, it’s called BEING FRIENDLY if you’re SINGLE.

Without ME, she’s just AWESO. #funnyorfact

You’ll always be motivated at work when u have an eye candy…right?

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. – Red Buttons

Once upon a time a man asked a woman Will you marry me, “NO!” & the man lived happily ever after. #funnyorfact

If a turtle loses its shell.. Is it naked or homeless..!? #funnyorfact

Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it. #funnyorfact

If the wedding ring is the world’s smallest handcuffs, so the marriage is a life-sentence. – @yugikwandy

I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U has eight letters, but so does B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T…

Was it a car or a cat i saw.. ‘wasitacaroracatisaw’ is the only english sentence which can be read both ways (L to R & R to L).

Boy: I want 2rest on ur breasts Grl: Idiot (Slaps d boy) MENTOS ZINDAGI Boy:I want 2hear ur heart beat G:So sweet,come on..

Smoking helps u to lose weight, 1 lung at a time..!

WonderGirls: I want nobody, nobody but you.. WonderBoys: I want your body, your body not you..!! #funnyorfact

IDEAL MAN never smoke, never drink alcohol, never cheat, never tell lies, and NEVER EXISTED!! #funnyorfact

If a picture’s worth a thousand words, can I put a picture in my essay? #HeyThatsSoTrue

Girl: “Hey, What does ‘IDK’ mean…?” Boy: “I dont know…” Girl: “OMG, nobody knows!…” #funnyorfact

BestWorstAdvice Want your husband to pay more attention to you? Talk to him topless.

Don’t trust your heart.. it’s not on the RIGHT side! #DamnItsTrue

Cinderella is a proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life. #DRT

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. #funnyorfact

Tweets are like miniskirts; Short enough to pertain interest but long enough to cover the subject. – @ChamatkariBaba

Life is like a MOVIE, If u r sad – DRAMA. If u r afraid – SUSPENSE. If u r angry – ACTION. Looking at mirror – HORROR.

when i was little,i used to practice my autograph just incase i became famous #funnyorfact

Life is like a dick, sometimes it gets hard for no reason. #L8quotes

You look at a teacher’s hand, see a ring, and think “Who would marry YOU?!”

Women are angels. When some1 breaks their wings, they simply continue to fly on a broomstick. They are flexible like that.

I’m not short, I’m space efficient

Cheap men are like cheap mascara. Both run when women cry. -Rick Warren

(__!__) A large ass. {_!_} A squishy ass. (_._) A flat ass. (!) A tight ass. And… (_o_) A gay ass. #DamnItsTrue

A guy who truly loves his girl doesn’t need to unbutton her shirt to have a better view of her heart. #funnyorfact

I use Facebook for the people I know. I use Twitter for the people I wish I knew. #funnyorfact

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support! -@TirzaRoemokoy

Friends are like buttcheeks – shit separates them, but they always come back together.